The Vigorous Training Process (For Cult Initiates)
This vigorous training process is very intense, complicated and as the name suggests, vigorous. There are a total of 11 steps in this process and they are as follows. Step 1 This step proves if you are truly ready and serious about this wonderful cult. Helen will personally drop off all of the iniates at a random mall and they have to choose the two things that Helen wants. There are only two. they are... extra chunky condensed cream of corn and mushroom soup and an animal print bikini (she is especially keen on pink leopard print). Initiates are expected to figure this out if they take the cult seriously. Step 2 Defenestrate everyone who didn’t figure out the previous step ON THEIR OWN. Helen can take care of this by herself since the inmates are just beginning. Sit back and relax, if you are lucky, Helen may have some of her famous German chocolate cake with coconut cream, pink glitter, and walnuts. It is delicious. Step 3 This challenge takes place in Tom and Carol's storage room. In that tiny closet, using her Helen powers, Helen put in a full-sized, Olympic swimming pool in it. She also filled it with only the blood of her many enemies. She used to take people's blood donations, and that's how she got the copious quantities of blood. The initiates have to swim 666 laps in the pool to prove their devotion to the cult. Step 4 Since the initiates have probably already eaten some of Helen's wonderful German chocolate cake with coconut cream, pink glitter, and walnuts, they are probably wondering how to make it. They have to also figure this out on their own. Initiates have to make and eat 420 German chocolate cakes with coconut cream, walnuts and pink glitter in one sitting with the other cult initiates, leaders and of course, Helen watching you. 'Step 5' No... Just... No. 'Step 6' This step requires initiates to be fairly... able-bodied... They have to defenestrate everyone who failed so far in one go. Helen has been doing this since she was about three years old and she is a master and can do it easily. Initiates are expected to have prior training in the art of defenestration for this step. If not, Helen teaches a class on it called Defenestration 101 at Harvard. 'Step 7' Now, watch all of the episodes Big Bang Theory (alternatively, read the Wikipedia summaries of each episode,(Every. Single. One.) and just watch the parts referenced in step 8) and respond to the following question: who do you ship, Shamy or Shenny? There is only one correct answer. (Hint: The correct answer doesn't contain the letter "n".) 'Step 8' Time to re-watch some things! Re-watch the ending of the season 8 finale and Season 9 episodes 1-9 (they take place during the Shamy breakup, it's very sad). Now cry for at least 69 hours. Then, watch episodes “The Locomotive Manipulation” (season 7 episode 15), The Prom Equivalency (season 8 episode 8), “The Earworm Reverberation” (season 9 episode 10) AND “The Opening Night Excitation” (season 9 episode 11). Proceed to fangirl about all of the Shamy. 'Step 9' Now, if any of the initiates dared to ask if instead of watching episodes that contained a strong Shamy story line (as they should), they could watch some Shenny episodes, they lied in step 7. They said that Shamy is their one true pairing when in reality they preferred Shenny. Defenestrate them immediately into a pool of hungry sharks and make sure they are really dead... Seriously. 'Step 10' Time to get your literature on! Read the Twilight series (an excellent, timeless piece of literature, let Helen know that you truly believe that and don't lie). Tell Helen if you are #teamedward, #teamJacob or neither. Once again, there is only one correct answer. (#teamJacob) 'Step 11' Congratulations, you are part of the cult! Now go order Helen some Chinese food! (NO GINGER BEEF SHE WILL DEFENESTRATE YOU) By the way, after the initiation process, you will never see Helen again, except in the occasional dream or hallucination.